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Fun with banks!

June 22, 2010

Are you looking to start a new savings account? Would you like to start saving for that holiday? Or do you just need an account for your weekly earnings so you can drink them away over the weekend? Then look no further! This simple survey will help you choose the right bank…for you!

1. When looking for a bank, do you want:
one that will dick you with fees, despite protests that you’re a student and the account in question has a fee waiver for students?
one that has an affinity for using annoying songs in their ads?
one that uses a well-known comedian doing silly walks to sell their product?

2. When applying for a cash account, you:
love being given the opportunity to sign up to an internet savings account/credit card/extra savings account as well, whether you want them or not.
b) appreciate being asked twice if you want to sign up for an internet savings account (the first time as an option, the second time confirming your rejection).
c) were sold on the 0% interest p.a (and 50 cent bonuses for withdrawing copious amounts of cash).

3. When it comes to ATM locations, your bank should have them:
everywhere, on almost every corner.
b) in many places when you don’t need one, and none conveniently close by when you do.
c) nowhere at all. You’d rather pay out the nose for using other ATMs instead.

4. When speaking to a customer service rep on the phone, they should:
be as unhelpful as possible and direct you towards your local branch in order to solve your issue.
b) make you hold for a while, but eventually get around to solving your problem.
c) amaze you with the brevity of both time spent on hold and problem resolution.

5. Finally, when visiting your local branch you feel:
a mixture of anger and fear.
b) a slight sense of optimism.
c) Local branch? What local branch?

Mostly As: Congratulations! You should be heading for the crap factory that is the Commonwealth Bank! Yes, the CBA is right up your alley: with its incompetent staff and attempted upselling, the CBA is sure to shit you up the wall so well you’ll only last there for three months! Abundant ATMs may make up for some of the drawbacks, but hey, a turd is still a turd, no matter how good it smells!

Mostly Bs: Well, well, well! Looks like you love hunting high and low for an ATM, just so you can take out $20 to buy a fucking sandwich! Head straight on over to NAB! You may find yourself giving up in frustration and heading for the nearest Coles to get cash out, but chances are you won’t find one of those either! But that’s ok, reliable netbanking and generally competent staff will balance things out in the end.

Mostly Cs: Step right up to the ING Direct tent! That is, if you want a savings account. Forget about a cash account because unless you want to be withdrawing $200 you’ll be facing a fee every time. And don’t even think about visiting a branch: they don’t exist. Still, a decent interest rate is your reward if you like the inconvenience of being unable to do anything with your money but send it to a single linked account.

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